How I shop for cars

The guy comes over to me - white shirt stretched tight over belly, big bushy moustache, but he has a kindly smile.

"Can I help you sir?" he says.

It's a total reflex, and I tell him no, I'm just browsing.

In this car showroom two miles out of time. The place I had to drive to. In that piece of shit car he can see from the window.

He looks at the piece of shit, and he looks at me.

"Are you in the market for a new car?" he says.

I look at the piece of shit, and I look at him.

It's a total reflex, but I tell him no, not really.

He gets the message and I get to wander, all by myself.

I silently curse, wondering how I find out what ABS means without looking like a tit.

It'll go the same way most of my purchases do. A couple of weeks making the decision - whether to actually buy a car or not. Then a good few months of in depth research - working out whether I want 18V or 16V, do I want alloys, can I save myself £2.37 by getting the generic floor mats rather than the ones they make specifically for that model.

Followed by a single day of mad, carefree abandon as I decide to bloody do it, throw all my careful research out the window and buy something totally different because that's what they had in stock.

All you have is floor mats made of Madagascan Spider Silk, edged with gold and you can't get them wet? Gimme, gimme, gimme!