An evening of clairvoyance

Sadly my visit didn't coincide with the medium whose spirit guide was Marcus Aurelius (actual to God Jupiter Roman Emperor). It was a chap called Colin* instead. He didn't have a spirit guide. He was simply the conduit between this world and the next! Through him all the spiritual energy would flow...

There was no darkened room and sitting around in a circle with fingers touching. Just a little battered Spiritualist Church with water damaged ceiling tiles and old sweet tins to collect the entry fee. It was £1.50 and there were 20 of us, so no one was making much cash out of this. They put out seventy seats, but like Colin said, he couldn't see into the future.

My plan to shout "yes! He's my father" when Colin asked if anyone knew someone called Pamela never got off the ground - the spirits point out who they want to talk to. Sadly no one I knew had bothered to show.

I can't of course disclose the nature of any of the conversations between worshiper and spirit (via Colin) that I heard tonight - that would violate  worshiper/cynic confidentiality.

But  I can pass along a few observations that might stand you in good stead:

• Don't give the raffle of many colours to a colour blind medium to draw. Much, much hilarity will ensue
• 75% of the attendees will be women
• People of the older generations have mothers and fathers who have passed on
• When people die, they don't die. They just hang around in your house. They like to knock on tables and move things. Presumably to try and scare the shit out of you for all those times you  rolled your eyes at that story about the time they lost their slippers.
  
• Dogs pass into the spirit world. So do chickens. Oh, and cats.
  
• Older women who've gone through the menopause - those aren't hot flushes they're experiencing. It's the spirits!
• You have relatives all over the world
• One of them will be pregnant, either now, or in the future
• If you think about it long enough you'll remember someone called George. He wants to be remembered to you. 
• Spirits are ALWAYS with you. So never take your pants off
  

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*: Not his real name