I've only gone and bloody done it!

Read a Dan Brown novel that is. I was finding it a touch hypocritical being so scathing about them having only read the first five chapters of Angels and Demons. So I decided to knuckle down and whack one off. I even re-read the first five chapters.

By chapter 6 my eyes were aching from rolling them so much.

I didn't know you could serpentine through a crowd. Presumably the guy is lying down and wriggling.

An aging ghost, he thought, cruelly reminded that his youthful spirit was living in a mortal shell - I wanted to use that line for someone who's growing old.

When I'm on my way to my weekly meeting of deadly killers I only hope my eyes don't gleam with forboding.

So far people have felt as though they've been stabbed, shot, hit by a truck, electrocuted, punched in the gut (twice) and hit by a cyclone. Never having experienced any of these things I'm at a loss to how the characters were feeling. Can only imagine that Dan Brown had a tougher upbringing than me.

People have quipped, barked, cajoled and hissed.

There was a long discussion about religion and God. It might have been some sparkling reparte but I got a little bored and skipped ahead till the plane landed. Several chapters later he was into all the details of the Vatican City one way system so I don't think I missed much.

The heroine's legs have meandered between chestnut and tawny. Her eyes have not yet become windows into her soul, but it's early days yet. But silly scientist lady. She goes and invents a portable anti-matter containment system based on magnets and then fails to fit an adaptor. I mean, even my two prong electric toothbrush comes with an adaptor for UK sockets.

There's a bad guy. I know he must be bad because he just spent an hour lying on a bed thinking about how much he hates women and how they're second class citizens, good only for demeaning.
A man has looked at someone with bayonets in his eyes.

Every so often a character will stop and run through a list in their mind of all the burning questions that are troubling them.

Did I enjoy it? Not really. I tend not to like reading crap books.

Note - this post was written last year sometime, but I'm so lame I only just got around to hitting publish.