Here follows a prize winning limerick.
There was a Norwegian called Lars
Who'd meet Gary Numan in bars
His life had no meaning
A failure so seeming
Till he helped with the single called Cars
For this charming little ditty, my mate Dave and I recieved a jar of pickled herrings, and a jar of pickled gherkins. I think you can agree they were well deserved.
This is the most well received piece of writing I've been involved in to date.
Thursday, 4 February 2010
South Wales Fight Club anyone?
Not so much for the fighting, but then at least there might be something positive out my latest bout of insomnia. I think I could even hack the extremely grubby Newport version of Helena Bonham Carter that would be bound to show. Possibly dressed in pyjamas after buying some fags from Somerfield on her way over.
After some research* into insomnia, and how to beat it, I've discovered I've been making a number of mistakes.
Mistake #1 - oversleeping to make up for lack of sleep.
Like today for instance - not getting to sleep till 3 and staying in bed till 11. All this does is reset your body clock so tonight it'll be half three before I drop off.
Mistake #2 - going to bed early to make up for the lack of sleep aka my dad's traditional remedy of "Having an early night".
What this amounts to is lying in bed for six hours getting more and more pissed off at not being able to sleep until you go straight ahead and launch into mistake #3: the relaxation CD.
Mistake #3 - The relaxation/self hypnosis music
These generally take the form of gentle ocean noises or baroque music overlaid with the gentle sounds of someone talking in a soothing voice. This voice pauses from time to time - I guess the guy with the microphone is trying to contain his mirth that people are giving him $20 to listen to him ramble. Or perhaps he has to step away from the tape machine to help his assistant with another barrow load of cash.
I've discovered I'm not all that keen on these sleep tape voice over chappies. I don't think I've ever hated anyone in my life, but they are coming pretty close. Generally it's about fifteen minutes in, and then they utter the words, "By now you have fallen into a deep and relaxing sleep."
Well I have news for you Mr Sleep Hypnosis Man, with the stupid beard:
NO I FUCKING AIN'T.
And you know why I'm not in a deep and relaxing sleep?
It's because I'm lying in bed listening to somebody talking.
He's telling me to lie back and let my scalp go limp. That's right - my scalp. That thin layer of skin over the top of my skull, the one with the very few, and very thin muscles. The body part that I tend not have much in the way of concsious control over.
I don't know how to relax my cheek muscles either, or my lips. And thank you, but no, I'd rather not relax my intestines - pretty sure if I did then a short time later I'd be very far from relaxed.
My new insomnia beating technique
I'm going to try this one tonight. It's going to involve me lying in bed. Perhaps I'll do some deep breathing. Then a little light music, or the gentle sounds of the trilling of waves over a sandy beach. The sun is warm, and beaming down on me. It's filling me with its healing rays. And I am relaxed. And I am calm.
Then the sound of vigorous splashing breaks the calm, and there's a thumping noise, like feet in expensive shoes drumming on wet sand. As I float gently off into a deep sleep, feeling relaxed and calm, I smile at the irony that Mr Sleep Hypnosis Man didn't seem all that relaxed and calm as he went off for the big sleep.
*Research = Google
After some research* into insomnia, and how to beat it, I've discovered I've been making a number of mistakes.
Mistake #1 - oversleeping to make up for lack of sleep.
Like today for instance - not getting to sleep till 3 and staying in bed till 11. All this does is reset your body clock so tonight it'll be half three before I drop off.
Mistake #2 - going to bed early to make up for the lack of sleep aka my dad's traditional remedy of "Having an early night".
What this amounts to is lying in bed for six hours getting more and more pissed off at not being able to sleep until you go straight ahead and launch into mistake #3: the relaxation CD.
Mistake #3 - The relaxation/self hypnosis music
These generally take the form of gentle ocean noises or baroque music overlaid with the gentle sounds of someone talking in a soothing voice. This voice pauses from time to time - I guess the guy with the microphone is trying to contain his mirth that people are giving him $20 to listen to him ramble. Or perhaps he has to step away from the tape machine to help his assistant with another barrow load of cash.
I've discovered I'm not all that keen on these sleep tape voice over chappies. I don't think I've ever hated anyone in my life, but they are coming pretty close. Generally it's about fifteen minutes in, and then they utter the words, "By now you have fallen into a deep and relaxing sleep."
Well I have news for you Mr Sleep Hypnosis Man, with the stupid beard:
NO I FUCKING AIN'T.
And you know why I'm not in a deep and relaxing sleep?
It's because I'm lying in bed listening to somebody talking.
He's telling me to lie back and let my scalp go limp. That's right - my scalp. That thin layer of skin over the top of my skull, the one with the very few, and very thin muscles. The body part that I tend not have much in the way of concsious control over.
I don't know how to relax my cheek muscles either, or my lips. And thank you, but no, I'd rather not relax my intestines - pretty sure if I did then a short time later I'd be very far from relaxed.
My new insomnia beating technique
I'm going to try this one tonight. It's going to involve me lying in bed. Perhaps I'll do some deep breathing. Then a little light music, or the gentle sounds of the trilling of waves over a sandy beach. The sun is warm, and beaming down on me. It's filling me with its healing rays. And I am relaxed. And I am calm.
Then the sound of vigorous splashing breaks the calm, and there's a thumping noise, like feet in expensive shoes drumming on wet sand. As I float gently off into a deep sleep, feeling relaxed and calm, I smile at the irony that Mr Sleep Hypnosis Man didn't seem all that relaxed and calm as he went off for the big sleep.
*Research = Google
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