Not a lot to say about this one. Fucking ace. 5 out of 5.
There's barely a hint of a smile throughout. It's deeply harrowing, it's brutal. Hungry people eat squirrels. Most people are ugly thanks to the bitter mountain cold.
But it's still an uplifting film.
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
Movie Review: Monsters
Firstly a bit of background. It was shot for around half a million by Gareth Edwards, a couple of cameras and the two leads. They headed down to Mexico, did a bunch of improv and Edwards did all of the special effects using a pretty beefy but still essentially still a home computer.
The premise is this - a NASA space probe brings back some alien life, it crashes in Mexico and the result is a whole bunch of big monsters that take over half the country. Move forward a few years and the monsters have become the norm. The US has built a big wall around the infected area and because their overseas image is on the up every so often they lob over a few cruise missiles to take out a rural village or two.
It's against this backdrop that a photo journalist and a rich Daddy's little girl have to trek across the infected zone to reach the safety of the United States (try not to wonder why they don't opt to simply fly around in complete safety).
Mark Kermode on Radio 5 described it as a road movie that happened to have monsters in the background (far, far, far in the background in fact). I get that. But Christ, couldn't they have made a more interesting road movie?
There was very little formal script - most of the dialogue was improvised by the two leads. Which resulted in such sparkling exchanges as:
Girl: What are you doing tomorrow?
Boy: I don't know. What are you doing tomorrow?
Girl: I don't know.
I've heard it described as a film in the style of overhearing a conversation in a pub. Perhaps that's why I don't go to pubs - why would I want to spend my even bored witless by such inane chatter?
The film promised much - an intelligent take on the concept of alien invasion movies for once. Instead of crash, bang, wallop there would be subtly, the suggestion of menace by the slither of a slimy tentacle half hidden by the forest haze. Please God, some menace, any menace even. Someone who couldn't get their drinks bottle open perhaps.
There were so many scenes that promised much - the tension building, building, building. Something's going to happen, something bad, and then, oh, it's the next day. Lots of lingering shots of infected trees and strange alien sounds in the distance - that's a setup for the big twist at the end if ever I saw one.
Perhaps the film is best summed up by the scene when the two leads discover a town that's had the living shit kicked out of it. Roofs are off, walls are tumbled down, cars overturned. There's not a soul about.
And then one of them says - entirely seriously - "What do you think happened here then?"
The thing is - I didn't go there wanting to watch aliens fighting. But I wanted threat. I wanted tension. I wanted to watch a film where I actually feared for the main character's safety.
So only 2 out of 5 from me.
The premise is this - a NASA space probe brings back some alien life, it crashes in Mexico and the result is a whole bunch of big monsters that take over half the country. Move forward a few years and the monsters have become the norm. The US has built a big wall around the infected area and because their overseas image is on the up every so often they lob over a few cruise missiles to take out a rural village or two.
It's against this backdrop that a photo journalist and a rich Daddy's little girl have to trek across the infected zone to reach the safety of the United States (try not to wonder why they don't opt to simply fly around in complete safety).
Mark Kermode on Radio 5 described it as a road movie that happened to have monsters in the background (far, far, far in the background in fact). I get that. But Christ, couldn't they have made a more interesting road movie?
There was very little formal script - most of the dialogue was improvised by the two leads. Which resulted in such sparkling exchanges as:
Girl: What are you doing tomorrow?
Boy: I don't know. What are you doing tomorrow?
Girl: I don't know.
I've heard it described as a film in the style of overhearing a conversation in a pub. Perhaps that's why I don't go to pubs - why would I want to spend my even bored witless by such inane chatter?
The film promised much - an intelligent take on the concept of alien invasion movies for once. Instead of crash, bang, wallop there would be subtly, the suggestion of menace by the slither of a slimy tentacle half hidden by the forest haze. Please God, some menace, any menace even. Someone who couldn't get their drinks bottle open perhaps.
There were so many scenes that promised much - the tension building, building, building. Something's going to happen, something bad, and then, oh, it's the next day. Lots of lingering shots of infected trees and strange alien sounds in the distance - that's a setup for the big twist at the end if ever I saw one.
Perhaps the film is best summed up by the scene when the two leads discover a town that's had the living shit kicked out of it. Roofs are off, walls are tumbled down, cars overturned. There's not a soul about.
And then one of them says - entirely seriously - "What do you think happened here then?"
The thing is - I didn't go there wanting to watch aliens fighting. But I wanted threat. I wanted tension. I wanted to watch a film where I actually feared for the main character's safety.
So only 2 out of 5 from me.
Movie review: The Chronicles of Narnia - The Voyage of the Bunch of Idiots
It's been a long time since I read the book, but were all the characters such morons in that as well?
In case you're unaware of the premise - it's set on some ocean and there's a Narnian ship called the Dawn Treader voyaging around solving mysteries and the like. The mouse with the sword - Reepicheep - has a cold and it's affected his voice so now he sounds like Simon Pegg. If only Strepsils existed in made up lands and came in handy mouse sized lozenges.
Anyway, back to the moronity. The ship makes landfall at some harbour. It is Deserted. As in empty. As in no sod there. Something fishy's going on you might think, and you'd be right! Suppose you're a King, and you're in charge of the ship and a whole kingdom, then you're quite important. You might think, quite sensibly, how about we send some a few expendable crew members to have a look see while people above the rank of Prince stay safe on board the ship. Maybe send the mouse with the sword - perhaps a change of scene will cure his throat infection and he'll sound like Eddie Izzard again.
Though if you're in this film instead you gather all important people (i.e. other Kings and Queens) and off you all toddle, just the three of you, not even with one or two of the fifty or so crew men armed with big swords and axes, just you and the two annoying younger kids from the first two films, and go and investigate.
The pinnacle of stupidity was reached just as the ship arrived at an unknown and uncharted mysterious isle.
This is not a direct quote, but I think I remembered the gist of it.
Says King Caspian (King of the Morons):
What ho lads! We appear to have reached the mysterious and uncharted island that we were warned about. The island that all our mates went off to find, but then disappeared.
Right ho, let's leave the security of our ship, safe behind the protective barrier of water, behind the thick oak planks of the sheer sides where a man armed with a cross bow can make smart remarks to any one foolish enough to row out in a small boat. Yeah, let's leave all that, go ashore and camp on the beach. And just to make sure that we're all well rested for the morning, everyone go to sleep, no one stay on guard. Because obviously nothing untoward is going to happen on this strange and mysterious uncharted island we were warned about.
There were some good things about this film. I liked Will Poulter, the kid from School of Comedy on E4 who played the annoying cousin Eustace. I was also rather taken by the subtlety of the religious imagery.
The 3D sucked though - long swathes of the film could be viewed minus the glasses. This led to brighter colours and a smug feeling of being the only normal one watching.
I give it 2 out of 5.
In case you're unaware of the premise - it's set on some ocean and there's a Narnian ship called the Dawn Treader voyaging around solving mysteries and the like. The mouse with the sword - Reepicheep - has a cold and it's affected his voice so now he sounds like Simon Pegg. If only Strepsils existed in made up lands and came in handy mouse sized lozenges.
Anyway, back to the moronity. The ship makes landfall at some harbour. It is Deserted. As in empty. As in no sod there. Something fishy's going on you might think, and you'd be right! Suppose you're a King, and you're in charge of the ship and a whole kingdom, then you're quite important. You might think, quite sensibly, how about we send some a few expendable crew members to have a look see while people above the rank of Prince stay safe on board the ship. Maybe send the mouse with the sword - perhaps a change of scene will cure his throat infection and he'll sound like Eddie Izzard again.
Though if you're in this film instead you gather all important people (i.e. other Kings and Queens) and off you all toddle, just the three of you, not even with one or two of the fifty or so crew men armed with big swords and axes, just you and the two annoying younger kids from the first two films, and go and investigate.
The pinnacle of stupidity was reached just as the ship arrived at an unknown and uncharted mysterious isle.
This is not a direct quote, but I think I remembered the gist of it.
Says King Caspian (King of the Morons):
What ho lads! We appear to have reached the mysterious and uncharted island that we were warned about. The island that all our mates went off to find, but then disappeared.
Right ho, let's leave the security of our ship, safe behind the protective barrier of water, behind the thick oak planks of the sheer sides where a man armed with a cross bow can make smart remarks to any one foolish enough to row out in a small boat. Yeah, let's leave all that, go ashore and camp on the beach. And just to make sure that we're all well rested for the morning, everyone go to sleep, no one stay on guard. Because obviously nothing untoward is going to happen on this strange and mysterious uncharted island we were warned about.
There were some good things about this film. I liked Will Poulter, the kid from School of Comedy on E4 who played the annoying cousin Eustace. I was also rather taken by the subtlety of the religious imagery.
The 3D sucked though - long swathes of the film could be viewed minus the glasses. This led to brighter colours and a smug feeling of being the only normal one watching.
I give it 2 out of 5.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
With Facebook you can make a difference!
So there I am, walking home through the dark streets of Newport and I hear the sound of one hand clapping. It's a slapping sound, a harsh sound, and each time it's followed by a hiss of indrawn breath, almost like a sob, but cut off, half way. I push on the wooden gate by the side of the house and creep around till I'm in the garden and I can see the whole, horrifying scene.
It's a big guy, with a beard. A big, fat guy, and a little kid, and the kid is on his backside, snivelling, cowering. You can't walk on by, can you. It's a little kid after all, and his Dad's beating him. So I said something.
"Oy," I said. "Don't you know you shouldn't be doing that? Don't you know that right now all the good folk of Facebook are changing their profile pictures to cartoons from their childhood to cut out this sort of thing?"
It felt good, coming out with it, making a stand. But I don't think he did know about the Facebook campaign.In fact he looked a little bit aggrieved at having his parenting skills called out like that.
After he beat the shit out of me he was feeling a bit tired, and anyway, all his aggression was done, so him and little Jamie went for ice cream and father son bonding.
Next time, fuck it. I'll just walk on by, go home and change my profile picture to Tintin.
It's a big guy, with a beard. A big, fat guy, and a little kid, and the kid is on his backside, snivelling, cowering. You can't walk on by, can you. It's a little kid after all, and his Dad's beating him. So I said something.
"Oy," I said. "Don't you know you shouldn't be doing that? Don't you know that right now all the good folk of Facebook are changing their profile pictures to cartoons from their childhood to cut out this sort of thing?"
It felt good, coming out with it, making a stand. But I don't think he did know about the Facebook campaign.In fact he looked a little bit aggrieved at having his parenting skills called out like that.
After he beat the shit out of me he was feeling a bit tired, and anyway, all his aggression was done, so him and little Jamie went for ice cream and father son bonding.
Next time, fuck it. I'll just walk on by, go home and change my profile picture to Tintin.
Friday, 26 November 2010
Movie Review: Due Date
Do you remember the eighties movie "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"?
In this Steve Martin and John Candy play two polar opposites who are forced to join together to trek across country by any means of transport at their disposal because of a plausible reason why they cannot fly. It features likable characters, amusing situations and ultimately believable character growth.
Well Due Date, it's almost the same.
In this Robert Downey Jr and Zach Galifianakis play two polar opposites who are forced to join together to trek across country by any means of transport at their disposal because of aplausible reason why they cannot fly. It features likable characters, amusing situations and ultimately believable character growth.
Except with Due Date, they kinda left out the jokes. This was four hours of grind. Of one bizarre and unbelievable situation leading to an even more bizarre and uncomfortable situation.
Go watch this movie if you like comedy films that aren't funny.
Go watch this movie if you like shots of simulated dog masturbation.
Go watch this movie if you're an evil person and want to get some penance out of the way early.
The the best things in this movie are (in this order):
In this Steve Martin and John Candy play two polar opposites who are forced to join together to trek across country by any means of transport at their disposal because of a plausible reason why they cannot fly. It features likable characters, amusing situations and ultimately believable character growth.
Well Due Date, it's almost the same.
In this Robert Downey Jr and Zach Galifianakis play two polar opposites who are forced to join together to trek across country by any means of transport at their disposal because of a
Except with Due Date, they kinda left out the jokes. This was four hours of grind. Of one bizarre and unbelievable situation leading to an even more bizarre and uncomfortable situation.
Go watch this movie if you like comedy films that aren't funny.
Go watch this movie if you like shots of simulated dog masturbation.
Go watch this movie if you're an evil person and want to get some penance out of the way early.
The the best things in this movie are (in this order):
- A clip of a Tom and Jerry cartoon
- Pink Floyd's "Hey You"
- The "Legendary Pictures" animated logo at the start. This was fairly exciting
- A cameo of the not very hilarious Charlie Sheen sitcom "Two and a half men"
Oh, and all the vaguely funny bits are in the trailer. So you could just watch that instead, have a half smirk from the comfort of home.
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Moview Review: Skyline
In short, this was a bit shit.
In slightly more words...
The movie opens with the standard disaster movie technique, the mysterious Exciting Incident.
You've not got a clue what's going on, so interest is piqued, what's going to happen next?
Unfortunately what happens next is another standard technique, the words "Fifteen Hours Earlier".
I want to see aliens trashing LA, not the chattering of rich, unsubstantial and above all tedious folk.
When the action does return to alien pillaging fun it's a messed up mix of Independence Day, The Matrix and War Of the Worlds, taking all of the best bits of the action but none of the charm of any of the characters.
I believe I saw a smile being cracked at one point, though possibly just a muscle spasm as a result of an alien death ray.
One of the stars was Donald Faison, Doctor Turk on Scrubs. I had far more fun imagining JD attempting to bond with an alien gribbley than actual watching the film.
It's a movie that has the look of a big budget. I'm all for curbing the excess of the Hollywood crap machine, but couldn't they have made a better film?
In slightly more words...
The movie opens with the standard disaster movie technique, the mysterious Exciting Incident.
You've not got a clue what's going on, so interest is piqued, what's going to happen next?
Unfortunately what happens next is another standard technique, the words "Fifteen Hours Earlier".
I want to see aliens trashing LA, not the chattering of rich, unsubstantial and above all tedious folk.
When the action does return to alien pillaging fun it's a messed up mix of Independence Day, The Matrix and War Of the Worlds, taking all of the best bits of the action but none of the charm of any of the characters.
I believe I saw a smile being cracked at one point, though possibly just a muscle spasm as a result of an alien death ray.
One of the stars was Donald Faison, Doctor Turk on Scrubs. I had far more fun imagining JD attempting to bond with an alien gribbley than actual watching the film.
It's a movie that has the look of a big budget. I'm all for curbing the excess of the Hollywood crap machine, but couldn't they have made a better film?
Thursday, 11 November 2010
Gordon Ramsay, pet lover
So Gordon Ramsay has written an open letter to his mother in law imploring her not to cut off contact with his family after a slight spat with her husband (he fired him).
Details here: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23896008-dont-cut-off-my-family-gordon-ramsays-plea-to-mother-in-law-in-sacking-row.do
This is an early draft dictated via the new version of Dragon NaturallySpeaking, with built in profanity filter.
Dear Mother-in-law
Puppies.
Puppies you.
Puppies, puppies, puppies, puppies, kittens, puppies you.
I apologise. Getting emotional here. I puppies mean it.
You are the greatest puppies mother in puppies law a puppies chef could ever puppies have.
For puppies sake, please, puppies, please, don't take the spat between myself and your shetland pony cute bunny husband out on your daughter and your four grandchildren.
Yours puppily,
Gordon Puppies Ramsay
PS: Your old man is a complete and utter total fluffy bunny piece of candy floss pie wrapped around a sack of useless rotting yellow ducklings
Details here: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23896008-dont-cut-off-my-family-gordon-ramsays-plea-to-mother-in-law-in-sacking-row.do
This is an early draft dictated via the new version of Dragon NaturallySpeaking, with built in profanity filter.
Dear Mother-in-law
Puppies.
Puppies you.
Puppies, puppies, puppies, puppies, kittens, puppies you.
I apologise. Getting emotional here. I puppies mean it.
You are the greatest puppies mother in puppies law a puppies chef could ever puppies have.
For puppies sake, please, puppies, please, don't take the spat between myself and your shetland pony cute bunny husband out on your daughter and your four grandchildren.
Yours puppily,
Gordon Puppies Ramsay
PS: Your old man is a complete and utter total fluffy bunny piece of candy floss pie wrapped around a sack of useless rotting yellow ducklings
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